We’ve all got our own definitions of ‘nice’, and so it proves with table manners.
Most people are keen not to offend or disgust other people, and yet we’re all bound to fall foul of someone else’s standards at some point.
Whether it’s using your fork in your right hand, leaning an elbow on the table, tucking your napkin into your collar like a cartoon character, or chewing with your mouth open – which ought to be a criminal offence – we’re all partial to the occasional slip in dinnertime decorum.
Your manners, as it turns out, might be impacted by how you view food, too.
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Writing to Miss Manners in The Mercury News, someone found they had upset their foodie friend at dinner by doing something most of us have surely resorted to at some point.
Noting that the friend is a big-time food lover while the writer-in has little interest in the culinary arts, they said:
“The problem is that I usually ask the server to decide what I will have, instead of ordering myself. I have little interest in the food, and as employees, they certainly know the menu much better than I do, and what people want when they come to that restaurant.”
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And so they asked the waiter to decide on her behalf, raising the ire of their companion.
“He recommended something, and I was fine with it, but my friend was embarrassed and accused me, essentially, of being a poor restaurant patron,” they said.
There’s every chance you’ve done the same. You can’t be bothered with reading the menu properly, you’re not overly fussed: ‘What would you recommend?’
It didn’t fly with the friend: “She seems to feel that I’m putting some kind of burden on the servers and possibly making them uncomfortable by asking them to decide what I get. But to me, I’m simply streamlining an interaction in which the server is best placed to know what I should order.
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“Is this really that weird?” they asked.
Miss Manners turned the question on its head by pointing out that it may have been the friend who felt disrespected rather than the server.
“That you do not have a passion for food is fine. That you are open to suggestions from your server is also fine,” said Miss Manners in her reply.
“But showing disdain for those who take it seriously by openly expressing your apathy is where Miss Manners — and your friend — found fault. That is what made the interaction with the server uncomfortable, not the asking itself.”
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If it isn’t rude to suggest so, Miss Manners has made something of a leap there.
After all, we’ve all got our own views on table manners and niceties, and it’s just as plausible that the friend thought it was rude to put the onus on the waiter as it was they they felt slighted by the indifference.
Nevertheless, it’s a good reminder to be mindful of your friends’ interests and pursuits – nobody likes to feel that the people they care about are dismissive of their views and, by extension, dismissive of them.
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Make a bit of effort for your pals and, for the love of God, chew with your mouth closed.
Topics: Restaurants and bars
Rachael Davis