Etiquette expert settles age-old debate about who pays when getting coffee with a friend
Whether it’s about generosity, avoiding conflict or making sure everything’s square, the simple act of buying a mate a coffee is a strange arena of human interaction.
When it comes to spotting pals for drinks, we’ve all got a different approach. Some of us happily cover a coffee without thinking twice about it, not expecting to be paid back but perhaps expecting a returned favour at some point.
Others will keep close tabs on the pounds and pence they’re owed, and between them there are those who will ask for it back and others who quietly seethe over not seeing £3.69 get dropped into their account by the end of the day.
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But, in these cash-strapped times where wallets are being relentlessly squeezed from all quarters, it’s fair to assume that more of us are concerned about paying for unreciprocated coffees than we might have been in a less crappy economy.
As to the spread of opinion, the debate was made plain by a TikTok video. The clip, with over 8.8 million views and counting, depicts a woman sitting in a cafe with the caption: “I don’t know what friend gave you PTSD but you do not have to pay me back for a coffee."
The difference of opinion is pretty clear in the comments.
“You ALWAYS have to pay back,” said one reply.
“It’s not even about friends giving you PTSD. It’s financial PTSD from parents,” said another, noting how our attitudes to money are often moulded during childhood.
“Yes, until they start to take advantage,” said one cynical commenter.
“It’s all fun and games until every time you go out, you’re the one paying,” said another who seems to have lost the line between being generous and being a mug.
Plenty of other comments agreed that buying a coffee for a friend without expectation is part and parcel of the pals experience.
“The whole point is DO NOT give with the expectation of reciprocity,” said one in agreement.
Another opined: “If someone owes me under $10, I wouldn’t ask for it. It doesn’t even count”.
As to what the experts reckon, Jo Hayes, the founder of EtiquetteExpert.org, explained the so-called rules to news.com.au.
“As a general rule, if it’s just a coffee, no extras like brunch or snacks, one of the duo should shout the other,” she said.
“This small gesture of kindness doesn’t break the bank but fosters friendship, kindness, and goodwill.”
She added that most feel it’s ‘a bit tight’ to insist on paying for coffees separately.
She continued: “Most of us remember who paid last time and, wanting to show mutual generosity, step up to offer the shout.”
But what if you notice it’s always you covering the coffees?
“I would reconsider that friendship,” said Hayes. “Such stinginess raises questions about their character and shows a lack of social courtesy”.
And if they don’t like it, point them towards EtiquetteExpert.org so they can get the education they need.
Topics: Drinks
Rachael Davis